Meeting people in your forties requires refined techniques. Here are some important tips, from experts in the field who have already tested the possibilities, which will allow you to put all the chances on your side.
Most people in their 40s think it’s hard to start a new life, and that’s true for both men and women. The truth is, being single in your 40s can be a wonderful thing. Let’s face it, you are braver, smarter, sexier and more demanding than ever. By using these qualities as your secret superpowers, dating can not only be fun, but you can also be much more successful and find your match faster than you ever thought.
That said, there are nuances to consider that weren’t factors in our 20s, we weren’t as dedicated to our careers or financial responsibilities, and we hadn’t had the experience of deeper relationships to learn from them.
To provide you with helpful tools for your best dating experience, we consulted relationship experts and psychologists for their advice. Get ready to make your 40s even more fabulous.
Choose wisely because it could be permanent
The divorce rate decreased by 18% between 2008 and 2018, with age being the main factor to consider. Fewer people are settling down at a younger age in an effort to gain more life experience, financial stability or greater self-esteem. In other words, your 40-year-old dating field will likely have more players looking to get married, and if that’s the case, don’t rush into a serious relationship, says psychologist Karine Tessier in Lyon 2.
“Getting married in your 40s, especially if it’s the first time, means you have fewer years left before death does you part, so it really could be the perfect match,” says Tessier. “As such, you will want to make the best choice possible.”
Quickly understand if the other has moved beyond their great relationship
Once you hit your 40s, chances are you’ve been in a significant relationship (marriage or long-term). And chances are the person you’re dating is too.
You’ll want to make sure you and your date have handled these relationships well, because there’s often work to do on yourself before moving forward, says Tessier.
How can you tell if your date is living in the past? A red flag is if they talk about their ex-partner in derogatory terms. “Pay attention to how the person you are dating discusses the end of their previous relationship(s) if they are unable to discuss it in objective terms or clearly see each person’s role in what happened,” says Tessier. “It may be a warning sign that they are not over the other person, that they still resent them, or that they are at risk of repeating maladaptive patterns in their new relationship.”
Besides, “Nothing turns off a new person more than hearing you talk about someone else of the same sex,” says Françoise Will, MD, a family and relationship psychotherapist in Annecy. Your new partner will suspect that you were the problem.
Wait for the right time to introduce the new partner to your children
Children are a major consideration when it comes to dating in your 40s, whether theirs or yours, because children’s emotional needs can conflict with yours.
“Children need time to adjust to their parents’ separation, and it may take them at least two years to overcome anger, sadness and other emotions,” says Will. “Introducing a new love interest too soon can delay or damage this process. You owe it to your children to take it easy when you’re dating!”
To help your children adapt successfully, timing is essential. If you’ve been dating someone for at least four or five months and feel confident you can commit, now might be the time to talk to your kids, advises Will.
To do this, encourage them to share their negative and positive feelings about your new partner. Actively listen to them and validate them while having realistic expectations for their acceptance. What if it’s not the right time? Have fun with your children when they are with their other parent or family members.
It’s worth pointing out that “If you introduce your kids to someone you’re casually dating, it can create uncertainty and ambivalence for them about intimacy if things don’t work out,” Will says. . Instead, let your kids know you’re going out with friends and that’s enough information, she adds.
Don’t sleep together on the first date
In the heat of the moment, sometimes it takes all your willpower to say “no”. But according to Will, it’s worth it, even as an adult.
“It takes time to get to know someone, and talking is the glue that holds people together,” she says. “Rushing into sex can derail speaking communication and turn it into a wave of fleeting lust.”
Having a good sex life is even more valuable than it was in your 20s. So, for the purpose of you prepare for the best sex of your life, wait until you have confidence in the direction your relationship will take. Set your boundaries up front by simply stating, “I don’t sleep with anyone until I’m really ready,” or avoid sleeping over at your future partner’s house at all (which can add a nice effect of heightened intrigue) .
The reward of meaningful, passionate love, in the long run, will pay off and then some.
Be both independent and interdependent
A nice perk of being 40 and looking fabulous is that you’ve probably “worked” on yourself and are comfortable with who you are. If not, you’ll want to establish clearly identified values, preferences and goals when it comes to dating, advises Tessier.
Know your relationship expectations and deal breakers without being too rigid. So you can be both an independent and interdependent partner or, in other words, “you function well while being comfortable meeting the important needs of your partner and vice versa.”
Know how to navigate gender stereotypes
In today’s landscape, dating sometimes comes with controversial and confusing expectations about the roles of men and women, many of whom have different viewpoints and philosophies. Especially when both parties are financially independent and have a say. Who pays the bill? Do you want the door to open for you, or do you want to open it yourself? Not being on the same page can lead to resentment.
“Open, honest communication between two loving, solemnly committed partners is necessary for all types of role division in relationships to work,” says Will. Talk to your partner about how they view gender roles and what is expected of them to gain a better understanding. And if you have divergent views, then you can decide if that’s a deal breaker or if you can both be flexible and accommodate each other.
Trust your instincts
“Most relationship mistakes happen because a person doesn’t trust their instincts from the start and just assumes they will change,” says Ursula Mine, clinical psychologist. By your 40s, you’ve put a few miles on your tires with a whole range of human encounters, so trust your gut, she advises.
Plus, by listening to your gut, you’ll be able to see beyond type and move forward based on your mutual feelings and values, the true cornerstones of a successful relationship. Types are for people who are looking for something they think will be good for them. Don’t put these kinds of limits on love.
Have a clear agenda
Dating agendas tend to be more consistent when people are younger, but by the time they reach midlife, people may be looking for wide-ranging goals ranging from marriage to casual hookups, friendships, or even children.
While having a varied life with established careers, different types of financial responsibilities due to families, households, and more. “You’re no longer a 25-year-old living with roommates and few financial ties,” Mine says. “Because the range of reasons and expectations for dating may be broader, be clear about yours. If someone is not on the same page as you, knowing Your hopes can help you make decisions that won’t cause you resentment later…”. “Establish your breakup criteria and don’t compromise important values just to impress someone you love,” she says. “Don’t beat around the bush for a long time, take action.”.
Manage Social Media Expectations
Young people are now being brought into a world where social media is an integral part of their lives. But for an older generation, it may vary. The range runs from “the 45-year-old who’s as hip as a teenager to the 48-year-old who’s never been on Instagram,” Mine says.
First ask your date if you can post a photo of the two of you together and be careful, she advises, because “it might not work for the other person.”
Accept scheduling conflicts
People are busy with many responsibilities in their 40s that require more planning and sleep. A late Tuesday night may not work out on a regular basis because fatigue can set in, Mine says. “I don’t mean to take the blue plate and call it a night at 7 p.m., but you can’t skip morning classes after a first date anymore.”
Plus, if you’re a parent, you have to balance parenting and relationship responsibilities, “which could get tricky because it means a lot less time for dating and less time alone,” adds Tessier.
Don’t try to read between the lines if your appointment needs to be rescheduled or called early. Often it’s because of their personal responsibilities, and you would probably expect the same kind of understanding from them.
Never apologize for being you
At 40, we’ve had our share of trial and error, but that’s not necessarily considered “baggage.” You’ve overcome all the mistakes you’ve made and learned from them, so remember this when you’re on a date. “Women, in particular, apologize for what they perceive to be their shortcomings or to discredit themselves,” Mine says.
“You’ve lived a full life, no need to apologize. Acknowledge your mistakes and talk about them as a life lesson.” And offer the same respect to your date if they share a past mistake with you. “People want to be seen and validated and accepted for their flaws and everything,” Will says.
Don’t make assumptions
You’ve been around the block when it comes to dating, and as a result, it’s easy to hold beliefs based on your past experiences more than you ever would have in your 20s or even 30s
“If you’ve had negative experiences, often called ‘baggage,’ you might assume that the person you’re dating has traits or behaviors similar to yours,” says Tessier.
“Before your big date, check your ego at the door and do your best to be non-judgmental (while keeping your wits about you, of course). By doing this, you’ll give your date the opportunity to surprise you, creating a more positive experience from the start.
Don’t turn the first date into therapy
Conversation on a first date should be limited to getting to know each other, finding common ground, and determining compatibility. But if you’re tired of being single, you might make the mistake of turning your first date into a therapy session and talking too much about your past negative dating experiences.
Tessier points out that “being single after 40 can sometimes be discouraging, and your confidence can be shaken,” she says. “If you lack self-esteem or are unhappy with yourself and your situation, that’s not attractive to someone you’re recently dating.” It is essential to remember that you must be the person you are trying to attract.
Being the best version of yourself in that moment and having fun getting to know your date organically. “Rather than injecting your life story and summary onto someone else, show them interest,” she suggests. Speaking of being the person you want to attract, here are some top picks to help you feel prepared and confident as you enter the dating world.
